A lot of things don’t feel right, right now. I long for the days of past when life was simpler and there wasn’t much “adulting” to do. I want those days when I was not yet constantly ensnared by feelings of saudade (Portuguese for longing, melancholy, nostalgia) and everyday still seemed like an exciting adventure.
Nowadays, it’s more of just surviving, especially in a high-pressure, high-stakes job like mine. I haven’t been able to blog properly in the last two months because well, we’ve been swamped in the office since April and only now have I had the chance to breathe and actually write.
I also somehow feel alienated from my friends. We still see each other pretty often, but I don’t feel as close to them like before. I remember and miss those feelings of “fullness” after every hangout session when I feel so happy and high and I can say fuck to everything else because I have the world’s greatest people.
I’m not saying that I do not have the world’s awesomest folks, it’s just that it doesn’t feel the same anymore. I also feel estranged from my parents and I hate the fact that we can sit at the dining table and not even say a word to each other. I can’t believe that I’ve even come to admitting that my parents are a great source of my unhappiness at this point.
I don’t know when this downward spiral started to happen. All I know is that I want to get out of this rut and I want to feel inspired, loved, and driven again. There are a few things that keep me going right now and I don’t want to wait until a point where even those start draining me as well.
I need a major life and self cleanse because I feel shitty all over. I need a break. By myself.